Kitty troubles....

After reading The King's story of his recent troubles with his feline companions I am compelled to share our current "kitty" issues. As many of you know we recently (about a year ago) moved back in with my in-laws. I am going back to school full time and we just couldnt afford our Trump-style Apartment in the hills of Thousand Oaks. With this our 2 cats, wampa and pacha, moved as well. At first things were quite happy and problem free. Within the first 2 months we discovered the pre-existing cat (to protect his identity we shall call him BIZ) decided he did not like 2 new cats joining his family. He proceeded to start spraying everywhere in the house. Now we all know cat piss smells right? However spray smells 10x worse. He sprayed EVERYTHING. The big screen tv, blankets, probably tipper (the golden retriever), and even my green halo edition xbox. So now, "Bizz" is an outdoor cat. Not that he wasnt an outdoor cat before, but now he is no longer allowed inside without proper supervision. So things went smoothly for a while then enters Ms. Murphy. My beautiful little beagle pup. Things still are going pretty smooth, occasional accidents by Wampa. We always just figured he's a little slow, you just look at him and you can tell by his looks, he's not all there. Well the last 2 months, Wampa has started peeing everywhere outside his litter box. Literally less than a foot away from his cat box, theres a pee stain. We clean it with Fabreeze and Natures Miracle, and still, pisses outside the box again. Now, he is pooping in the box...no issues there. He just enjoys pissing on the carpet, so we move the box around to the location he's peeing thinking "hey he's just lost" nope. He proceeds to pee somewhere else. I'm about to buy a catapult and launch him into the next county. So we consult with a friend of the family whos very familiar with issue cats. Her cat lived to be 16 and constantly had health/psych issues. She's gone as far as taking her 2 cats to a cat communicator, aka the cat whisperer. So with her advice we tried a few things, laid aluminium foil down where he was peeing and took wampa to the vet. Sometimes cats will pee in strange places to let their owners know there is something wrong with them medically. Since they cant quite vocalize they're sick. So we take Mr Wampa Pants to our Vet. He does all sorts of tests, blood & urine, ultrasound and his conclusion was: "Cats are psychotic!" Yes those were his exact words. He explains that there is really no reason why cats do what they do other than they are pyschotic. So, $375 later we still know nothing about whats going on. He prescribes some kitty chill pills, a $50 glade plug-in type device to discourage spraying, and advice to add a liter box and we are no better than where we were when we took him in. The good news is currently the kitty chill pills and extra litter box seem to be working, no accidents going on about a week and half. FUCKING CATS! These will probably be the last 2 we have. I have discovered I am quite a dog person. Dogs are loyal and obedient. You can yell at a dog and see its response, its tail will go between its legs and it will look sad. I yell at wampa for peeing on the carpet and he just sits there looking back with that "yeah, well fuck off" look on his face, or he'll jump on your face and try to crawl in your mouth, and you can kick him off the bed and he'll jump back up as if nothing happened. Stupid cats. And pacha...ugh...we spent $400 on him checking his stomach just to find out he's nervous. He pukes when they run out of food or water!!! "ahhh! I'm a scared black cat, we're out of food, AHHHH!!!! how will I ever eat again!" is what he must think. Oh well, I must return to work!